Life as a Liberal Atheist
Every so often I run into someone from my past and slowly get around to explaining that I no longer go to church and and consider myself an atheist. For a moment, a stunned look appears as they briefly consider how I used to be a part of the worship band, deeply involved in bible studies, working at christian companies and generally doing everything In the Spirit. From there the conversation goes a bunch of different ways but the thing each conversation has is an attempt by them to find the thing that pushed me over the edge, the one thing that made me an anthiest and not a believer. I get the sense that 'one thing' is often the last thing they heard from a pastor about why atheists are not christian. What is that one thing? Is it anger towards God, a bad church experience, a misunderstanding of the scripture, what is it?
I try to explain that it isn't one thing, its was a thousand different reasons. It's that the Bible flat out doesn't make sense, has a poor history, contradicts itself everywhere. It's the people in churches, the control structures, the lies and deceit. It's the church I was in where the pastor raped the co-pastor, it's the close mindedness, it's the nature of God and the completely unreasonable notion of an extraterrestrial creature that loves and cares for me but will send me to eternal damnation if I blaspheme his Holy Ghost personality. It's all that and a thousand more reasons.
Towards the end of a particularly long conversation, a friend began describing how the world exists on two planes; a physical one and a spiritual one. We have to contend with the spiritual plane, live and breath on it, reach out to God on it. He explained how the Deceiver works to try to confuse us. So I asked him if he believed that Satan exists. Yes. Ok, then do you think that I might be influenced by Satan. Yes. Do you think that I am currently deceived by Satan. Yes. Ok. Well then, conversation over. I have nothing left to say to someone who tells me I'm possessed. And this was coming from a very very smart entrepreneur.
My friend had exceptionally rational opinions on most things in life. Yet when confronted with the myriad of reasons I would choose not to have a relationship with his extraterrestrial being he would rather admit that I was possessed by satan than to admit that my experience might somehow be valid.
In my conversations with Chrisitians, the most common argument I heard was this. "You just had a horrible rotten church experience. If you went to my church you would see a much better side to christianity". Whatever I say, that's the argument I'd get back. If I explained the history of Sun Gods and how they relate to Jesus, I get the same answer, "If you believe that then you should really come to church this sunday and talk to our pastor, he'll be able to help you with that". If I metioned theology, then I just hadn't been exposed to *their* theology, the right one, the one based on the Bible. And on and on it goes.
The problem with churches is that they're wonderful, loving, beautiful, kind places right up until the moment where they're not. The problem with theology is that it's deep, meaningful, profound, thought provoking, life changing, right up until it the moment that it isn't. For most Christians, this is when all those sermons on doubt kick in. All the sermons about "I believe, help my unbelief" and "you just have to trust, even when it's hard", and thousands of other cliches that you can't go a week without hearing. Those all kick in like little antibodies, attacking your most rational thoughts, dragging you back in. In my case I formed an early immunity to it when I convinced myself that guilt couldn't possibly be a christ-like feeling. I worked hard to clear myself of guilt. It had the unintended affect of disarming my doubt. Slowly my doubt faded. Slowly I found a way out, I could begin with grey, or in other words, begin with an open mind, a clean slate.
I try to explain that it isn't one thing, its was a thousand different reasons. It's that the Bible flat out doesn't make sense, has a poor history, contradicts itself everywhere. It's the people in churches, the control structures, the lies and deceit. It's the church I was in where the pastor raped the co-pastor, it's the close mindedness, it's the nature of God and the completely unreasonable notion of an extraterrestrial creature that loves and cares for me but will send me to eternal damnation if I blaspheme his Holy Ghost personality. It's all that and a thousand more reasons.
Towards the end of a particularly long conversation, a friend began describing how the world exists on two planes; a physical one and a spiritual one. We have to contend with the spiritual plane, live and breath on it, reach out to God on it. He explained how the Deceiver works to try to confuse us. So I asked him if he believed that Satan exists. Yes. Ok, then do you think that I might be influenced by Satan. Yes. Do you think that I am currently deceived by Satan. Yes. Ok. Well then, conversation over. I have nothing left to say to someone who tells me I'm possessed. And this was coming from a very very smart entrepreneur.
My friend had exceptionally rational opinions on most things in life. Yet when confronted with the myriad of reasons I would choose not to have a relationship with his extraterrestrial being he would rather admit that I was possessed by satan than to admit that my experience might somehow be valid.
In my conversations with Chrisitians, the most common argument I heard was this. "You just had a horrible rotten church experience. If you went to my church you would see a much better side to christianity". Whatever I say, that's the argument I'd get back. If I explained the history of Sun Gods and how they relate to Jesus, I get the same answer, "If you believe that then you should really come to church this sunday and talk to our pastor, he'll be able to help you with that". If I metioned theology, then I just hadn't been exposed to *their* theology, the right one, the one based on the Bible. And on and on it goes.
The problem with churches is that they're wonderful, loving, beautiful, kind places right up until the moment where they're not. The problem with theology is that it's deep, meaningful, profound, thought provoking, life changing, right up until it the moment that it isn't. For most Christians, this is when all those sermons on doubt kick in. All the sermons about "I believe, help my unbelief" and "you just have to trust, even when it's hard", and thousands of other cliches that you can't go a week without hearing. Those all kick in like little antibodies, attacking your most rational thoughts, dragging you back in. In my case I formed an early immunity to it when I convinced myself that guilt couldn't possibly be a christ-like feeling. I worked hard to clear myself of guilt. It had the unintended affect of disarming my doubt. Slowly my doubt faded. Slowly I found a way out, I could begin with grey, or in other words, begin with an open mind, a clean slate.
posted by grey at Wednesday, April 29, 2009
